Grief from the heart

10 weeks ago my life took a turn, not for the worst but definitely not for my best.

My dad passed away, after battling cancer.

I've never had a loss that close to me. It has thrown up so many questions. Ones like Am I doing this 'grief' thing right ? How can you just be here and the next your not ? How is it possible to just take one last breath ? Why does death have to be ? Who actually am I ?

I have got answers to these questions, not many, but to be honest if I did have all the answers they would most likely not be the answer you would come up with. Why ? Because we all do grief differently !

I was asked one night a few weeks after my dad left earth - "why are you ok?" Because I was laughing and smiling and being my normal self. My answer was just because I am.

But this got me thinking am I doing it right ? How am I supposed to look, act, express this grief, this sadness?

Am I supposed to be curled up into a ball crying, not functioning, not living ?

Or

Am I supposed to go on as normal, like nothing has happened?

Who knows ?

Grief is unknown territory for me, some days I feel light, free, happy others I feel sad, heavy, like I've trekking through mud and like I wish i wasn't here either.

But death is part of life, no one can out run it, no one gets a free pass, we will all face it one day. Its the in-between part that's the mystery, from the point of losing someone close and really having to be present in that experience, to the day of your own departure that is confusing. I say confusing because it is, we are expected to act a certain way, to come across in a demeanour that portrays what the psychologist say, stages of grief- shock, denial, anger, acceptance and so on. But who has the right to tell you how to feel ? Or how you are supposed to feel and in what order ? Just because they are intelligent with letters and numbers behind their name, just because they are a public figure and someone of importance ! Their grief isn't the same as mine or yours.

Its not a one size fits all. For the past 10 weeks I have been on a roller coaster ride of inner battles, emotional outbursts, consumption of turmoil. I haven't followed a "rule book" of grief and it certainly has not been how the psychologists said it would be !

I'm not in denial I seen him die, im not angry, why would I be ? Who would I be angry with and for what reason ? I haven't accepted it because I don't want to and don't think I ever will 'want' to but I have accepted it because i seen it happen and I'm not in shock because it was expected. I'm just confused, not about the death but about how I'm supposed to portray myself now to others who judge my reaction, because I'm not doing what they would do, or expect me to do. I'm doing grief my way, the way that my mind, body and soul feels is right for me.

There is no right or wrong way, there doesn't need to be stages, there isn't a script that you work through.

Its ok to be you, to laugh and have fun. Its ok to be all over the place and cry, scream be numb. You can feel all these things together too. You are allowed to do it your way with out judgement. So if and when you experience grief don't worry about what others expect or assume, you are not doing it wrong, you are not feeling it to prove to others how its meant to be felt. Allow yourself room to be you and deal with it in your own way.

Grief is confusing, but so is death and even more so life.